понедельник, 10 декабря 2018
vicious
best way to have a special bond. give your partner an sti that you can both share. forever
vicious
my diary is turning into a diary of my unstable relationship
i actually wish i documented this winter month by month, it has been the craziest emotional hurricane i have ever been through. I had to see a therapist for a month to help me through it which i am not even sure was beneficial but at least i could talk with someone who could listen
three weeks ago he said "you're not girlfriend material. well you are but just not for me. you are way too young and have your whole life ahead of you, he wants another kid and I am not 100% on that, I am secretive and he has trust issues with me"
then the next thing I know I am away on a trip and we are talking every single day and he says he misses me, etc. he picked me up from the airport.
yesterday was such a good day, we went to the beach, hung out and then. i had my first threesome. it was incredible really, watching him kiss another girl was causing my head to spin i was so jealous but also just wanted to keep going and watching him fuck her was so so so hot i couldn't even believe it.
on the beach he told me "i think i love you a little bit"
he does this thing where he says you can be open and honest about anything and asked if i hooked up with either of my guyfriends which (i think) shows he cares and he is jealous. it's a bit of a ridiculous question to ask and it irritates me because there is just no way i am attracted to either of them and we are really just solid friends. i can tell if guys who are friends trying to be more but this so not the case. but then instead of flipping out and telling him he has no right to ask/be jealous, we are not "dating", he sleeps around without telling me, i go and say i swear i swear nothings has ever happened and i have to say it many times for him to believe me and even then it's not enough i can see in his eyes the distance
i don't know how is he ever going to get over his trust issues and we even have the slightest chance of building it. but also he doesn't want a relationship so i am technically wasting time? beach was the first time when it was an actual plan, he planned for the day ahead. usually we just message on the day and one of us comes over to sleep over
i am just so head over heels for him, i am not even sure if it's a chemical thing anymore, i am just madly in love with him when i look at his face. i am not sure if this feeling is going to fade it's been nearly two years now and i just don't see myself without him. it's like he is part of me somehow
i actually wish i documented this winter month by month, it has been the craziest emotional hurricane i have ever been through. I had to see a therapist for a month to help me through it which i am not even sure was beneficial but at least i could talk with someone who could listen
three weeks ago he said "you're not girlfriend material. well you are but just not for me. you are way too young and have your whole life ahead of you, he wants another kid and I am not 100% on that, I am secretive and he has trust issues with me"
then the next thing I know I am away on a trip and we are talking every single day and he says he misses me, etc. he picked me up from the airport.
yesterday was such a good day, we went to the beach, hung out and then. i had my first threesome. it was incredible really, watching him kiss another girl was causing my head to spin i was so jealous but also just wanted to keep going and watching him fuck her was so so so hot i couldn't even believe it.
on the beach he told me "i think i love you a little bit"
he does this thing where he says you can be open and honest about anything and asked if i hooked up with either of my guyfriends which (i think) shows he cares and he is jealous. it's a bit of a ridiculous question to ask and it irritates me because there is just no way i am attracted to either of them and we are really just solid friends. i can tell if guys who are friends trying to be more but this so not the case. but then instead of flipping out and telling him he has no right to ask/be jealous, we are not "dating", he sleeps around without telling me, i go and say i swear i swear nothings has ever happened and i have to say it many times for him to believe me and even then it's not enough i can see in his eyes the distance
i don't know how is he ever going to get over his trust issues and we even have the slightest chance of building it. but also he doesn't want a relationship so i am technically wasting time? beach was the first time when it was an actual plan, he planned for the day ahead. usually we just message on the day and one of us comes over to sleep over
i am just so head over heels for him, i am not even sure if it's a chemical thing anymore, i am just madly in love with him when i look at his face. i am not sure if this feeling is going to fade it's been nearly two years now and i just don't see myself without him. it's like he is part of me somehow
четверг, 09 августа 2018
vicious
хочется писать и на английском и на русском хотя на русском я давно не писала
во первых я живу в новой зеландии уже третий год и схожу с ума. от того что у меня есть квартира машина работа но нет смысла в жизни. и я понимаю что в других странах каждодневная жизнь тяжелее и в этом тоже никакой радости нет но здесь я просто умираю со скуки
it's hard to type in Russian because I am at work and using an English keyboard though the thoughts flow better in Russian. How did I find websites like these back in the day? Not really sure, I feel like my creativity has decreased significantly lately
What is new:
- After the next therapy session I would have paid close to $800 and I am not even sure it was worthwhile? also if I can find that sort of money that means I could have easily spent it on something else.
- my iud got infected well for various reasons first of all I had issues with it already like getting BV but having multiple irregular partners probably didn't help especially sleeping with two guys within like 4 -5 hours
- I am back with Steve? Am I? He makes me question my reality tbh. Negative things I want to write down are:
we were outside some chinese place and he was trying to choose what to get and I kissed him on the cheek and on his ear which I don't think was out of place? or was it. and he goes like "ah this annoying should have dropped you off home" and then later at his house in the kitchen I asked if he thought it was annoying and he said "sometimes"
he sometimes goes into weird annoyed moods where it seems like I've done something or he doesn't want to be around me. I don't think that's normal? I sometimes look at him and feel there is a dark side to him and I can't quite place it because he can be very loving and affectionate and reassuring but I feel like when he is not in the mood he can be very snappy or mean. I think the way I can describe what he makes me feel like is insecure. It is the same feeling I had last year at times where I just wasn't sure what is going on and why he acting that way
во первых я живу в новой зеландии уже третий год и схожу с ума. от того что у меня есть квартира машина работа но нет смысла в жизни. и я понимаю что в других странах каждодневная жизнь тяжелее и в этом тоже никакой радости нет но здесь я просто умираю со скуки
it's hard to type in Russian because I am at work and using an English keyboard though the thoughts flow better in Russian. How did I find websites like these back in the day? Not really sure, I feel like my creativity has decreased significantly lately
What is new:
- After the next therapy session I would have paid close to $800 and I am not even sure it was worthwhile? also if I can find that sort of money that means I could have easily spent it on something else.
- my iud got infected well for various reasons first of all I had issues with it already like getting BV but having multiple irregular partners probably didn't help especially sleeping with two guys within like 4 -5 hours
- I am back with Steve? Am I? He makes me question my reality tbh. Negative things I want to write down are:
we were outside some chinese place and he was trying to choose what to get and I kissed him on the cheek and on his ear which I don't think was out of place? or was it. and he goes like "ah this annoying should have dropped you off home" and then later at his house in the kitchen I asked if he thought it was annoying and he said "sometimes"
he sometimes goes into weird annoyed moods where it seems like I've done something or he doesn't want to be around me. I don't think that's normal? I sometimes look at him and feel there is a dark side to him and I can't quite place it because he can be very loving and affectionate and reassuring but I feel like when he is not in the mood he can be very snappy or mean. I think the way I can describe what he makes me feel like is insecure. It is the same feeling I had last year at times where I just wasn't sure what is going on and why he acting that way
суббота, 02 сентября 2017
07:58
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vicious
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суббота, 26 августа 2017
12:58
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vicious
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воскресенье, 13 августа 2017
vicious
I can't actually remember when was the last time I felt like this. Maybe when Tom said he can't be with me because of his girlfriend?
I feel like I've been stabbed in the heart multiple times and I can't breathe. It's actually so painful I can't describe
And I know logically you know it's impossible and he is having a great time, has a wife and a child and a mistress on the side, how convenient
He is never going to leave her and do I even want him to? That would be such a nightmare. For everyone
But that night on the bench in the park, he is hugging me and telling me he loves me and it feels like I am in heaven
How can he say it after that night, telling me over and over he loves me and even now right before the beach, hugging me and whispering he loves me in my ear
And it felt. So. Good. So real. Like it's meant to be. I don't think i have ever felt that way with anyone else
And just the thought now that i cant ever again kiss him or hug him or touch him and he probably will actually never message because we both are stubborn and I was so sharp
I think the most painful part is that time heals, we will both get over it, it's a fact, I have had enough fucked relationships to know for certain but it's just that I don't want to get over it
I want him next to me now, kissing me and telling me it's going to be ok and that is he is never going to leave me
none of this is even real you know, just a bunch of chemicals in my brain making reactions, life is just one big chemical reaction
I think it's also painful that I want it to be real, it feels so real but unfortunately the sad truth is that he will be over it way quicker than I am
the only part that I don't understand is why and how I find these guys that screw me up, why
and him telling me he doesn't want me to go anywhere ever. that he is selfish. that he cares about me
and now I don't know if I triggered it and it was a mistake or was it going to end anyway and I am just living in a dream world
I feel like I've been stabbed in the heart multiple times and I can't breathe. It's actually so painful I can't describe
And I know logically you know it's impossible and he is having a great time, has a wife and a child and a mistress on the side, how convenient
He is never going to leave her and do I even want him to? That would be such a nightmare. For everyone
But that night on the bench in the park, he is hugging me and telling me he loves me and it feels like I am in heaven
How can he say it after that night, telling me over and over he loves me and even now right before the beach, hugging me and whispering he loves me in my ear
And it felt. So. Good. So real. Like it's meant to be. I don't think i have ever felt that way with anyone else
And just the thought now that i cant ever again kiss him or hug him or touch him and he probably will actually never message because we both are stubborn and I was so sharp
I think the most painful part is that time heals, we will both get over it, it's a fact, I have had enough fucked relationships to know for certain but it's just that I don't want to get over it
I want him next to me now, kissing me and telling me it's going to be ok and that is he is never going to leave me
none of this is even real you know, just a bunch of chemicals in my brain making reactions, life is just one big chemical reaction
I think it's also painful that I want it to be real, it feels so real but unfortunately the sad truth is that he will be over it way quicker than I am
the only part that I don't understand is why and how I find these guys that screw me up, why
and him telling me he doesn't want me to go anywhere ever. that he is selfish. that he cares about me
and now I don't know if I triggered it and it was a mistake or was it going to end anyway and I am just living in a dream world
среда, 10 мая 2017
vicious
i do think there must be something terribly wrong with his wife! like in charlotte bronte jayne eir where he loved her and wanted to marry but still was married to a crazy lady that jumped out set the house on fire
because if she is not crazy, how can he sneak out regularly to see me, how can kiss me like, how can he message me so much
how does a wife not notice him texting me all the time and does she just take care of the baby since he is busy monday and thursday
why does she call him all the time "Steve where are you?" does he need to be home by a certain time
i would just text any say hey babe you coming home, and then he'd be like nah, 20 more mins
and that's it problem solved
but i would never call! wherever he pleases to be that's where
he wants to see and tells me i am gorgeous, and sends me compliments and shares photos and makes out with me like no other
he mostly definitely
because if she is not crazy, how can he sneak out regularly to see me, how can kiss me like, how can he message me so much
how does a wife not notice him texting me all the time and does she just take care of the baby since he is busy monday and thursday
why does she call him all the time "Steve where are you?" does he need to be home by a certain time
i would just text any say hey babe you coming home, and then he'd be like nah, 20 more mins
and that's it problem solved
but i would never call! wherever he pleases to be that's where
he wants to see and tells me i am gorgeous, and sends me compliments and shares photos and makes out with me like no other
he mostly definitely
воскресенье, 07 мая 2017
vicious
this "relationship" is really screwing me up whether I like to admit it or not. So let's break it down: he is married and with a kid.
I went out on Friday night and took acid while also being extremely drunk and this Russian hippie guy somehow convinced it's a great idea to go to his house on the North Shore which is like ages away from the city. I go and we kiss but I was totally not into it and ended up crying and laughing the whole night and literally nothing happened. I didn't even give a blow job
So the next day I meet with Steve (aka the married man) and he goes "So did you have sex on Friday?" I tell him no and there is unsettling awkwardness that sets in, I can tell he is skeptical so I start saying that I would tell him if I did, that I have nothing else to say so pretty much I start almost apologising and he still doesn't believe proceeding to ask "So how is it that you were drunk and high and managed not to have sex?"
He nearly broke it off with me today which is so unfair by saying that he really doesn't enjoy the fact I can be with other guys but I think what's annoying for me is that he thinks I am lying! Soo unfair. Also apparently the very first time I managed to say I am on the pill when being blacked out drunk and I am not so now I can feel there is an air of distrust between us
So freaking unfair. Not like I can prove it in any way. It's just one of those things. And now I feel like it's really going sideways and I am mad/upset and he is being very contradictory saying that he is jealous and can't handle not being in control and then he added "Don't get a big head around me liking you and don't change anything you're doing"
I feel like the relationship is fragile as it is because of the whole baby/wife complication and now the whole thing about him thinking I am fucking other guys and not telling him is really straining it
Now I feel weird and not sure how to feel and what is even going on
Men are terrible however I feel like if I don't get emotionally hurt it's almost like there is no fun for me. I have to have a dramatic fucked up thing going on otherwise I am bored
But yeah I just feel it is so unfair to be suspicious of me but I guess that's the impression I give? And I now feel terrible because I know that I am very trustworthy and blunt and straight up and would never play any games
I almost wish I did have sex so I can be like yes mf, it happened and that would have been that so if there were any issues then at least it was for a reason
Like it doesn't bother him I have a boyfriend
ok anyway, I am not sure who is reading this, but you're probably thinking that what I am even doing getting with a married guy, I know, it's absolutely idiotic and can't end well
so guess I should be ready for stuff like this, but I am not
Honestly considering to seek an advice of psychologist because I do think there is something wrong with me and I need help
I went out on Friday night and took acid while also being extremely drunk and this Russian hippie guy somehow convinced it's a great idea to go to his house on the North Shore which is like ages away from the city. I go and we kiss but I was totally not into it and ended up crying and laughing the whole night and literally nothing happened. I didn't even give a blow job
So the next day I meet with Steve (aka the married man) and he goes "So did you have sex on Friday?" I tell him no and there is unsettling awkwardness that sets in, I can tell he is skeptical so I start saying that I would tell him if I did, that I have nothing else to say so pretty much I start almost apologising and he still doesn't believe proceeding to ask "So how is it that you were drunk and high and managed not to have sex?"
He nearly broke it off with me today which is so unfair by saying that he really doesn't enjoy the fact I can be with other guys but I think what's annoying for me is that he thinks I am lying! Soo unfair. Also apparently the very first time I managed to say I am on the pill when being blacked out drunk and I am not so now I can feel there is an air of distrust between us
So freaking unfair. Not like I can prove it in any way. It's just one of those things. And now I feel like it's really going sideways and I am mad/upset and he is being very contradictory saying that he is jealous and can't handle not being in control and then he added "Don't get a big head around me liking you and don't change anything you're doing"
I feel like the relationship is fragile as it is because of the whole baby/wife complication and now the whole thing about him thinking I am fucking other guys and not telling him is really straining it
Now I feel weird and not sure how to feel and what is even going on
Men are terrible however I feel like if I don't get emotionally hurt it's almost like there is no fun for me. I have to have a dramatic fucked up thing going on otherwise I am bored
But yeah I just feel it is so unfair to be suspicious of me but I guess that's the impression I give? And I now feel terrible because I know that I am very trustworthy and blunt and straight up and would never play any games
I almost wish I did have sex so I can be like yes mf, it happened and that would have been that so if there were any issues then at least it was for a reason
Like it doesn't bother him I have a boyfriend
ok anyway, I am not sure who is reading this, but you're probably thinking that what I am even doing getting with a married guy, I know, it's absolutely idiotic and can't end well
so guess I should be ready for stuff like this, but I am not
Honestly considering to seek an advice of psychologist because I do think there is something wrong with me and I need help
суббота, 15 апреля 2017
14:58
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vicious
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пятница, 31 марта 2017
vicious
I've just had the time of my life in the hotel bathroom like what the fuck haha am I even an adult. Dude and who lives with their sister. Anyway it was kind of amazing I hope he fucking messages me otherwise it'll be traumatizing
I always like drunk sex cuz I think of guys as Gods when it happens like literally would marry this guy in a blink of an eye. But I mean he might be a total douchebag who knows
I think I'd just marry him for the smile and the fact he kept telling me I'm beautiful throughout the night
How did this even work?? Hahahaha fuckk
I always like drunk sex cuz I think of guys as Gods when it happens like literally would marry this guy in a blink of an eye. But I mean he might be a total douchebag who knows
I think I'd just marry him for the smile and the fact he kept telling me I'm beautiful throughout the night
How did this even work?? Hahahaha fuckk
понедельник, 05 декабря 2016
12:04
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vicious
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вторник, 08 марта 2016
vicious
новый апдейт из моей жизни, о котором хочется писать именно на русском, а не на английском
прошло больше полгода с лета и с моей последней записи о хреновых родителях. удивительная вещь память, я вот не помню что всё было прям так пиздец плохо, ну помню что я рыдала по приезду пару раз и что были непонятки. конечно помню что с отцом поругались и он меня даже не поцеловал на прощанье но ввиду того что мы постоянно общаемся по скайпу прошлые негативные воспоминания стираются на фоне позитивных разговоров. и главное что абсолютно забываешь что скайп тебя избавлят от той самой реальности и что в любой момент можно отключиться и не продолжать разговор
к чему это я. а к тому что мой мозг "хочет домой", к маме папе которые посоветуют что делать как быть и дома придёт ко мне мудрость и спокойствие и я вернусь к своим корням и истокам. очень интересная вещь мозг. потому что логически я знаю что всё это бред что ни к каким истокам я не вернусь, что родители понятия не имеют что происходит в моей жизни и никакого здравого совета мне дать не смогут и что я отвыкла от дома и у меня опять будет происходить переоклиматизация и отторжение реальности
а как избавиться от чувства того что хочется домой, неясно
краткое содержание последних 7 месяцев. приехав назад в ванкувер и протрезрев от родителей, я безуспешно попыталась найти своё призвание в жизни, но поскольку ванкувер я не люблю и с работами мне не повезло, на этом фронте особого прогресса не произошло
попутно решив совместить приятное с полезным я начала мутить со своим соседом по дому и недолго думая мы переехали в одну комнату и жили не тужили пока у него не начала истекать канадская виза
недолго думая, так как ванкувер мне адски надоел и мы с чуваком признались друг другу в любви я решила что это вариант просто посланный с неба, собрала вещички и вместе с ним переехала в новую зеландию два месяца назад
кароче на данный момент, я никого не знаю, работать не могу пока мне не дадут визу и пока что медленно схожу с ума думая правильно ли я поступила вообще сюда переехав потому что (звучать это конечно будет немного не оч) но никто не тусит не пьёт не гуляет все только дома сидят ничего не делают и каждый день смотрят кино
никакой интелектуальной деятельности ни тусовочной
одна тоска
я помираю от тоски
прошло больше полгода с лета и с моей последней записи о хреновых родителях. удивительная вещь память, я вот не помню что всё было прям так пиздец плохо, ну помню что я рыдала по приезду пару раз и что были непонятки. конечно помню что с отцом поругались и он меня даже не поцеловал на прощанье но ввиду того что мы постоянно общаемся по скайпу прошлые негативные воспоминания стираются на фоне позитивных разговоров. и главное что абсолютно забываешь что скайп тебя избавлят от той самой реальности и что в любой момент можно отключиться и не продолжать разговор
к чему это я. а к тому что мой мозг "хочет домой", к маме папе которые посоветуют что делать как быть и дома придёт ко мне мудрость и спокойствие и я вернусь к своим корням и истокам. очень интересная вещь мозг. потому что логически я знаю что всё это бред что ни к каким истокам я не вернусь, что родители понятия не имеют что происходит в моей жизни и никакого здравого совета мне дать не смогут и что я отвыкла от дома и у меня опять будет происходить переоклиматизация и отторжение реальности
а как избавиться от чувства того что хочется домой, неясно
краткое содержание последних 7 месяцев. приехав назад в ванкувер и протрезрев от родителей, я безуспешно попыталась найти своё призвание в жизни, но поскольку ванкувер я не люблю и с работами мне не повезло, на этом фронте особого прогресса не произошло
попутно решив совместить приятное с полезным я начала мутить со своим соседом по дому и недолго думая мы переехали в одну комнату и жили не тужили пока у него не начала истекать канадская виза
недолго думая, так как ванкувер мне адски надоел и мы с чуваком признались друг другу в любви я решила что это вариант просто посланный с неба, собрала вещички и вместе с ним переехала в новую зеландию два месяца назад
кароче на данный момент, я никого не знаю, работать не могу пока мне не дадут визу и пока что медленно схожу с ума думая правильно ли я поступила вообще сюда переехав потому что (звучать это конечно будет немного не оч) но никто не тусит не пьёт не гуляет все только дома сидят ничего не делают и каждый день смотрят кино
никакой интелектуальной деятельности ни тусовочной
одна тоска
я помираю от тоски
пятница, 26 июня 2015
vicious
I'll work literally anywhere to work in North America even if I hate the job literally nothing can be worse than staying with parents. I am so over this "vacation", never fucking again. Sure, on the good days it's good and everyone is having fun but on the bad days it's so bad I wanna shoot myself and the good does not surpass the bad. I don't know what expectations my parents have but nothing that I really do is ever good enough and their views on life are so rigid and outdated it's beyond belief. And not like they want to change. I personally just want to have fun, have simple things in life like a job, a car, an apartment and just be happy. And surely I need money to sustain myself but I think I am coming to realization that if I have a meaningful job whether it's helping people or growing personally and learning new things that would be enough. I want to make choices without constantly being judged for them even if the choices I make are not good for my health or whatever it is, it is my choice in the end of the day and I will have to deal with the consequences.
Truly, as of right now, I want a job with a salary enough to pay my rent and keep me alive and that will at least lead to getting a real life career. Maybe it's a lot to ask for I don't know, what I do know is that I am so sick and tired of being financially dependent it is indescribable.
Yes, my job at Atimi sucked, but I also didn't know that things actually do get better, that having money is much much better than not having money and that you won't be stuck in the same job forever. Not sure why I take things as a finite stage of them but I am definitely on my way of fixing this. No matter how much I am bored of Vancouver it is forever and ever better than living with parents #anywhere.
PS: note to myself: re-read every time you think you hate Vancouver, re-read every time you think you hate your job, re-read every time you think it's a good idea to go visit parents for a month.
Truly, as of right now, I want a job with a salary enough to pay my rent and keep me alive and that will at least lead to getting a real life career. Maybe it's a lot to ask for I don't know, what I do know is that I am so sick and tired of being financially dependent it is indescribable.
Yes, my job at Atimi sucked, but I also didn't know that things actually do get better, that having money is much much better than not having money and that you won't be stuck in the same job forever. Not sure why I take things as a finite stage of them but I am definitely on my way of fixing this. No matter how much I am bored of Vancouver it is forever and ever better than living with parents #anywhere.
PS: note to myself: re-read every time you think you hate Vancouver, re-read every time you think you hate your job, re-read every time you think it's a good idea to go visit parents for a month.
вторник, 31 марта 2015
vicious
just don't forget that your greatest motivation is fear
the motivation that brings you closer to overcoming it and being free
the motivation that brings you closer to overcoming it and being free
четверг, 12 февраля 2015
vicious
I guess the realization I come to is that no one is going to love you more than your parents. And my parents can get pretty anal and annoying about things, but that unconditional unquestionable love comes only from them. Dogs count too but they are not humans.
I am not sure how and when and who taught me to get so deeply emotionally attached to people. Maybe part of comes from being a Scorpio, a very passionate sign who chooses people for a lifetime.
It just really hurts to know that I am not his priority while he is mine. And predicting into the future it really hurts to separate something that has grown into your life, like a vital organ getting removed, if it comes to that. I don't even see him that often and it just hurts so bad I can't remember the last time it did like this.
I am not sure how and when and who taught me to get so deeply emotionally attached to people. Maybe part of comes from being a Scorpio, a very passionate sign who chooses people for a lifetime.
It just really hurts to know that I am not his priority while he is mine. And predicting into the future it really hurts to separate something that has grown into your life, like a vital organ getting removed, if it comes to that. I don't even see him that often and it just hurts so bad I can't remember the last time it did like this.
понедельник, 06 октября 2014
07:37
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vicious
Закрытая запись, не предназначенная для публичного просмотра
среда, 17 сентября 2014
22:41
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vicious
Закрытая запись, не предназначенная для публичного просмотра
вторник, 15 июля 2014
vicious
how does sleeping with someone else make me miss him more
I think what I literally tried to do is substitute Ross with Will and it totally did not work out
I think what I literally tried to do is substitute Ross with Will and it totally did not work out
вторник, 08 апреля 2014
vicious
почему то сильнее всего депрессия настигает меня в преддверии лета
воскресенье, 06 апреля 2014
vicious
how is possible to have a one night stand and get asked out on a date 4 years later #wtf