my diary is turning into a diary of my unstable relationship

i actually wish i documented this winter month by month, it has been the craziest emotional hurricane i have ever been through. I had to see a therapist for a month to help me through it which i am not even sure was beneficial but at least i could talk with someone who could listen

three weeks ago he said "you're not girlfriend material. well you are but just not for me. you are way too young and have your whole life ahead of you, he wants another kid and I am not 100% on that, I am secretive and he has trust issues with me"

then the next thing I know I am away on a trip and we are talking every single day and he says he misses me, etc. he picked me up from the airport.

yesterday was such a good day, we went to the beach, hung out and then. i had my first threesome. it was incredible really, watching him kiss another girl was causing my head to spin i was so jealous but also just wanted to keep going and watching him fuck her was so so so hot i couldn't even believe it.

on the beach he told me "i think i love you a little bit"

he does this thing where he says you can be open and honest about anything and asked if i hooked up with either of my guyfriends which (i think) shows he cares and he is jealous. it's a bit of a ridiculous question to ask and it irritates me because there is just no way i am attracted to either of them and we are really just solid friends. i can tell if guys who are friends trying to be more but this so not the case. but then instead of flipping out and telling him he has no right to ask/be jealous, we are not "dating", he sleeps around without telling me, i go and say i swear i swear nothings has ever happened and i have to say it many times for him to believe me and even then it's not enough i can see in his eyes the distance

i don't know how is he ever going to get over his trust issues and we even have the slightest chance of building it. but also he doesn't want a relationship so i am technically wasting time? beach was the first time when it was an actual plan, he planned for the day ahead. usually we just message on the day and one of us comes over to sleep over

i am just so head over heels for him, i am not even sure if it's a chemical thing anymore, i am just madly in love with him when i look at his face. i am not sure if this feeling is going to fade it's been nearly two years now and i just don't see myself without him. it's like he is part of me somehow