I can't actually remember when was the last time I felt like this. Maybe when Tom said he can't be with me because of his girlfriend?
I feel like I've been stabbed in the heart multiple times and I can't breathe. It's actually so painful I can't describe
And I know logically you know it's impossible and he is having a great time, has a wife and a child and a mistress on the side, how convenient
He is never going to leave her and do I even want him to? That would be such a nightmare. For everyone
But that night on the bench in the park, he is hugging me and telling me he loves me and it feels like I am in heaven
How can he say it after that night, telling me over and over he loves me and even now right before the beach, hugging me and whispering he loves me in my ear
And it felt. So. Good. So real. Like it's meant to be. I don't think i have ever felt that way with anyone else
And just the thought now that i cant ever again kiss him or hug him or touch him and he probably will actually never message because we both are stubborn and I was so sharp
I think the most painful part is that time heals, we will both get over it, it's a fact, I have had enough fucked relationships to know for certain but it's just that I don't want to get over it
I want him next to me now, kissing me and telling me it's going to be ok and that is he is never going to leave me
none of this is even real you know, just a bunch of chemicals in my brain making reactions, life is just one big chemical reaction
I think it's also painful that I want it to be real, it feels so real but unfortunately the sad truth is that he will be over it way quicker than I am
the only part that I don't understand is why and how I find these guys that screw me up, why
and him telling me he doesn't want me to go anywhere ever. that he is selfish. that he cares about me
and now I don't know if I triggered it and it was a mistake or was it going to end anyway and I am just living in a dream world